


Guess I'll Die

by AllDaveKat



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Bulges and Nooks (Homestuck), Consensual Somnophilia, Earth C (Homestuck), Embarrassment, Frottage, Hand Jobs, M/M, Mistaken Identity, Nonverbal Dirk Strider, Not Epilogue Compliant, Oral Sex, Polyamory, Quadrant Confusion, References to Decapitation, Self-Esteem Issues, Sign Language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-04
Updated: 2020-03-14
Packaged: 2021-02-27 18:55:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 13,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22560592
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AllDaveKat/pseuds/AllDaveKat
Summary: Dirk tries on Dave's shades and Karkat doesn't notice.
Relationships: Dave Strider & Dirk Strider, Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas, Dirk Strider/Karkat Vantas
Comments: 119
Kudos: 427





	1. now we're talkin' eerie

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Dirkkat Comic](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/585640) by Koa_Doodles. 



> This is based on Koala's fantastic comic they posted on Twitter: [[link]](https://twitter.com/koa_doodles/status/1224488560725762055?s=20)  
> Go read it before you do anything else with your day b/c it's so fucking good!!!
> 
> Tysm again to [Jess (that one Maid of Space)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/that_one_Maid_of_Space/pseuds/that_one_Maid_of_Space) for being the best beta ever <3333

Your name is Dirk Strider and you’re currently sneaking into your bro’s room while he’s in the shower. 

You swear you aren’t up to anything nefarious, it’s just that you’ve been struggling with an irresistible urge to get a closer look at Dave’s iconic shades ever since you finally met him in person.

Over the past few months of living with him and Karkat, you’ve gotten to know the guy pretty well, and you’ve come to the conclusion that he’s actually a massive dork and the opposite of the stoic coolguy persona that he pretends to be. However, there’s a big part of you that is still completely starstruck around him, that wants to treat him like the movie star he is.

And come on, it’s the fucking shades. THE shades. You’re socially aware enough to recognize that he would not be super chill with you asking him to take them off his face so you can examine them in front of him. So instead you’ve cooked up a genius plan that will avoid any awkwardness, and still satisfy your curiosity. 

Which brings us to the present moment--you, sneaking into Dave’s bedroom, while he’s in the shower. You find his shades lying on the dresser and pick them up gingerly. They look more scuffed and scratched up close than they do from a distance, and you recall that they’ve been through a lot of shit--first subjected to the gauntness of Ben Stiller’s face, then mailed across the country by John, and finally worn by Dave over the past four years of his life, surviving a fuck ton of fighting and many other shades-endangering situations. You’re probably just projecting, but you swear you can feel a connection to your alt-timeline Bro through these puppies too. They are the same ones he wore, after all, in a weird convoluted way. 

You glance in the mirror, still holding onto the shades. You wonder… 

You slip off your own shades and put on your Bro’s, just to see how you look. And, uh… wow. You look exactly like Dave. Like, uncannily the exact fuckin’ same as him. You stare at yourself in the mirror and flatten down your gelled hair. Oh yeah. Now we’re talking eerie. This is… weirding you out a little, actually.

“Dave!” you hear Karkat yelling and you freeze up as he pushes through the bedroom door. He keeps talking to you as he rummages around the room, clearly under the impression that you are his beloved boyfriend/matesprit or whatever the fuck they are to each other. 

“I’m heading over to Kanaya’s for a bit. They needed some help with the grubs, so I’ll be taking the transportalizer.” God, he’s looking you right in the eye and he still can’t tell you aren’t Dave. 

This is getting a little awkward. You should definitely stop him and tell him you’re not Dave, but you’re kind of just frozen in place waiting for him to notice, and he keeps not noticing. Also, you don’t have a notepad to write on, and you’re still not confident he knows sign language well enough to understand you.

If you were thinking properly, you might realize signing at him at all, regardless of his ability to understand the words, might indicate to him that you’re not his boyfriend. But unfortunately, you’re Dirk motherfucking Strider, and a cute boy is talking to you like he’s your boyfriend, and your brain don’t work so good no more. 

See, the thing about Karkat is, he’s stupid hot. Like, you know he’s Dave’s, and he’s obviously incredibly off limits, but you have eyes. It’s not about to escape your notice that you’re sharing a hive with a grade-A megahottie. Let’s just say you’re an ass connoisseur, and Karkat’s ass? Top tier. Right up there with Jake “Everyone’s Favorite Buns” English. 

“Anyway, I should be back in time for dinner.” Karkat’s still talking, fuck, you should probably be listening. Even though this conversation really isn’t meant for you. Should you be trying not to listen? What’s the protocol here? “Do not go in the meal block until I get back, you know how that shit ends! This should go without saying of course, but don’t make Dirk go in there as some barkbeast shit loophole either, he’s just as catastrophic as you in the kitchen!”

You jump slightly when he mentions your name. 

“We can make something together later. When I’m back, that is.” He finishes his rant, tugging his jacket on halfway. Then suddenly, before you can react, he leans in and kisses you fondly on the lips. Your brain fucking flatlines. Karkat is kissing you. Your Bro’s boyfriend is kissing you, right now. God, he’s a good kisser too. Fuck! Why is this happening?! 

The kiss is over almost as quickly as it started, and he runs out the door yelling, “Gotta hurry, see you later, Dave!”

You stand alone in the room, frozen, sweat dripping down your face. Fuck. You know what you have to do now. 

You head to your room in a daze, just barely remembering to swap Dave’s shades out for your own on the way out. You grab your best katana off the wall, and wait in the living room, taking some time to contemplate your colossal failings as a human being. Dave wanders out after fifteen minutes or so, and stops in his tracks when he sees you standing there. You place your katana on the floor in front of him, and kneel down, indicating to your neck so he knows what he needs to do.

“What the fuck, Dirk?” he says. “What are you doing, get off the floor, I’m not decapitating you again, Jesus Christ.”

You sit up reluctantly and sign at him, _“You only say that because you don’t know what I did, Dave. I’ve done the unforgivable.”_

He snorts. “I fucking doubt that, but ok, I’ll bite. What did you do?”

You pause, wondering how you should phrase this. _“I kissed your boyfriend.”_ You wince, okay, that was possibly the worst way you could have phrased it. Oh well, at least he’ll definitely kill you now, mission accomplished you suppose.

Dave’s jaw actually drops. “You… what?? You kissed Karkat? When, why, how did this happen and why the fuck was I not invited to watch?” 

_“It wasn’t on purpose. I was trying on your shades, and I guess he thought I was you, and he kissed me before I could stop him, and now you have to kill me. I’m sorry,”_ you sign.

Dave cracks up in silent laughter, hunching over and snorting. Even in your miserable state, you brighten at seeing him like this, all expressing emotions and shit. 

“I’m not gonna fucking execute you, Dirk, God. I am gonna tease the shit out of Karkat about this though. Where is he? Did he leave already? Put that stupid katana away, dude, it’s freaking me out to have it lying around like that, I’m worried that at any minute it’s gonna fly up and decapitate you of its own free will,” Dave rambles at you as he plops down on the couch. “Want to grab breakfast in a bit? I’m feeling Denny’s.”

You nod, rubbing the back of your neck. Through some stroke of luck, Dave apparently doesn’t want to revenge murder you, but you’re certain Karkat’s going to kill you himself when he gets home tonight.


	2. i'm not the one who kissed the wrong guy

You’ve had a long fucking day helping Kanaya with the grub situation. You’re exhausted, you’ve been working hard for hours, and you’re looking forward to coming home to the quiet respite of your hive, embracing your loving boyfriend, and eating a nice healthy dinner together. 

You walk in the door, and Dave and Dirk are sitting on the couch watching some dumbass human show, probably involving Jake’s ass. The second they see you walk in, they both freeze, look at each other, and then Dave busts out in the loudest laugh you’ve ever fucking heard from him. Dirk looks mildly terrified at the sight of you. What the actual fuck. 

“What the shitlicking hell are you laughing about, Dave?” you screech. “I have literally done nothing but walk in the door and you’re already crawling up my ass with some nonsense!”

“Oh, it’s not about--snrkk--what you did, Karkat. It’s who,” Dave chokes out gleefully.

“What the blistering fuck are you even talking about??? You can’t just walk around saying words and expecting people to actually understand you, Dave!! It doesn’t work that way!”

“That’s literally how words work, though.”

“FUCK OFF!” You make like you’re going to storm off into your bedroom, because fuck this, you did nothing to deserve this mocking. You’re not, like, actually mad at Dave, he’s just an idiot and an asshole and you know this, but you’re definitely not in the mood for this shit right now. You just wanted to make a half-grubsauce, half-tomato sauce lasagna and eat it piping hot from the oven while watching Troll So You Think You Can Dance. 

“Okay, okay, hold on! Chill, Karkat.” Dave takes a few deep breaths. “Fuck, my stomach actually hurts, God. Okay. So you remember this morning, when you kissed me goodbye?”

“Um, yes? Why the fuck are you asking?”

“Well, that wasn’t actually me you kissed. It was this guy, Strider the Pointier, over here.” He points at Dirk with both his thumbs. 

“No, it wasn’t,” you argue. “What the fuck, this is such a dumb prank, Dave, why are you messing with me like this? What did I do to piss you off today? And Dirk! Why in the name of the Mother Grub’s feculent asscheeks are you even letting him say this, it’s not true!”

Dirk scribbles on his notepad, then holds it up. To your horror, the note reads: _“It’s true.”_

“What the fuck?? No it’s not! I think I can recognize my own boyfriend! That was definitely Dave! You weren’t wearing your god tier outfit, but you were definitely wearing your regular shades.” 

“Dude, Dirk was wearing my shades!” Dave crows. 

Oh, fuck no, this isn’t happening, what the fuck. You cover your face with your hands, your cheeks burning.

“You two fuckin’ pranked yourselves, Egbert would be so proud to hear about this. Wait I gotta tell him right now.” Dave pulls out his phone.

You screech and run over to him, slap his phone onto the floor, and step on it so he can’t grab it. 

Dave just looks at you mildly. “Damn Karkat, no need to throw my shit on the ground, I’m not the one who kissed the wrong guy.”

“Shut up!! You’re going to swear on The Mayor’s life not to tell John or ANYONE what you think may or may not have happened in this apartment today! And you!” You turn to Dirk, who you think is cowering slightly. “YOU! Are going to explain to me exactly WHAT the fuck you were doing in MY bedroom, wearing MY boyfriend’s sunglasses this morning. AND why you just stood there like an asshole and let me ki-- let me think you were Dave!!” You fold your arms together, glaring at him with your best “don’t fuck with me” look. 

Dirk writes a long message, then finally holds it up. _“I was just trying on his shades out of curiosity, then you came in and I panicked, I didn’t have anything to write on. I’m very sorry. You’re a damn good kisser though, for what it’s worth. I can see why Dave likes you.”_

Dave is reading the note too and laughing so hard, he’s clutching his stomach and tears are rolling down his face. 

“B-brooo!” he gasps. “That is NOT how you get Karkat to forgive you, holy shit, are you dumb?”

Dirk lowers his note, unsure, and looks back and forth from you to Dave. 

Your face is blazing hot, and your mouth is gaping open and closed like a dehydrated sea dweller. You are honestly at a loss for fucking words. Mostly you’re just embarrassed and angry, but a small part of you that you’re extremely disappointed in, is maybe a little tiny bit flattered. You squash that part down like a damn bug, take a deep breath, and let out a wordless rage-scream. Then you turn on your heel and march into the kitchen to start making dinner for your brainless shitnoggin of a matesprit and his even more idiotic brother.


	3. should we maybe talk about this

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dubcon warning, details in the end notes b/c it's spoilery

Your bro is in his workshop, passed the fuck out and snoring slightly, his head resting on the table amongst scraps of metal and hammers and… tool-y stuff. You don’t actually know what any of this shit is called. You’re standing silently behind him to make sure he’s really asleep. It’s hard to catch him actually sleeping ever, he seems to be like Karkat in that he mostly just doesn’t. 

You grab his glasses very slowly and quietly, and slide them off his face. His eyelids flutter but he doesn’t wake up. You tiptoe back out of the workshop all dramatically like a cartoon character, resisting the urge to snicker to yourself mischievously. You’re about to engage in some SHENANIGANS. 

So, you love your boyfriend a lot. Obviously. But you _also_ really love making his life just a tiny bit insufferable. You know Karkat thinks Dirk is hot; he’s said as much once or twice, presumably by accident. Anyway, you didn’t hassle him about it at the time, because you can’t really judge. You are the king of freudian slips, after all. And you know Dirk finds Karkat attractive too, because, duh, Dirk isn’t fuckin’ blind. So when they accidentally locked lips the other day, and _clearly_ enjoyed it, you thought it was the funniest shit ever, especially when they were so goddamn embarrassed about it and were all acting like they would never have done it on purpose. You might just be a tiny bit of a masochist, because you see a sensitive spot like that, and you just can’t help wanting to poke at it. And by poke at it, you mean you’re going to dress up like your brother and try to seduce your boyfriend.

You tiptoe down the hall into your room and change into the clothes you nicked from Dirk’s laundry basket a couple days ago. You tuck your own shades in your sylladex, and put on Dirk’s, then check yourself out in the mirror. You lick your hand and spike up your hair a little bit. Close enough. Damn, you really look like your brother, this is kind of freaky. You wink at yourself in the mirror, even though you can’t see anything through the shades. It’s go time.

In the living room, you find Karkat on the couch, reading a romance novel with no less than five shirtless male trolls on the cover. You wonder if he’s at a good, aka sexy part, if he’s getting a little riled up. You love interrupting him when he’s reading porn, he gets so mad but it’s like horny-mad, it’s insanely cute. And usually devolves into fun spadesy fuck times.

You plop down on the couch wearing your Dirk disguise, careful not to sit too close to your boyfriend, and grab the remote. 

“Is it cool if I watch the Philosophy Channel in here?” you ask. “I’m into that crap, because I’m Dirk.” 

You’re not sure if your Dirk imitation is quite spot-on.

“Yeah, whatever, I don’t give a fuck,” Karkat says, completely ignoring you and reaching into a bag of baked grub crisps. 

You’re not sure there actually is such a thing as the Philosophy Channel, and you didn’t honestly have much of a plan for how to do this, other than “put on Dirk’s clothes, then kiss Karkat.” You decide it’s as good a time as any, so you lean over into Karkat’s personal space, getting right up on top of him, shoving his book out of the way, and softly caressing his cheek. He has grub dust all over his mouth, gross. You love him. He makes an alarmed squawking noise and flails violently, causing you both to fall off the couch onto the floor. You end up on top somehow, and you pin him down by the wrists. It’s mostly for show, since he could literally rip you in half if he wanted to, but you know he’s so flustered he probably won’t fight back much. Before he can say anything, you lean in and kiss him on the mouth. 

To your surprise, he actually kisses you back, a real kiss with tongue and everything. You know what it feels like to have Karkat kissing you in interest, and boy howdy is he interested right now. At least for a few seconds. Then he sputters and breaks the kiss, pushing you off him and scooting several feet back and panting. 

“DIRK STRIDER, what the fuck are you doing??” he yells. “Are you insane? Are my personal boundaries some kind of joke to you? Just because I kissed you BY ACCIDENT does NOT mean you’re allowed some kind of free pass to these plush lips any old time of day!”

You don’t really know what to say, you honestly weren’t expecting him to kiss you back that much. Do you need to, like… negotiate some poly shit here? Fuck, you might be actually being an asshole right now. You have things to consider.

You hear footsteps in the hallway and the real Dirk walks in, yawning and rubbing his face. _“The fuck are you two yelling about me for?”_ he signs at you sleepily.

Karkat gapes, looking back and forth between you and Dirk. His expression goes from shock, to confusion, to understanding, and finally settles on rage.

You can’t speak because you’re too busy rolling on the floor laughing. Karkat spends the next half hour shouting himself hoarse at the two of you. Dirk just sits there in silence, occasionally eating a bug chip or two. You can’t believe he likes those things, but you guess he did grow up in the apocalypse, bugs probably aren’t the weirdest thing he’s eaten. You fully tune out everything Karkat says and start plotting your next move.

\----

That night, Karkat’s extra squirmy when you’re cuddling in bed. 

“You horny, babe?” you ask him. “Did my little disguise today turn you on that much?”

“Fuck off, you insufferable assclown. God, I can’t believe I’m dating you,” he grumbles, less pissily than you expected. You think he might be all yelled out from earlier.

In lieu of a response, you shimmy down under the covers and start mouthing at his bone sheath through his underwear. He groans and after a minute his bulge slips out and starts wiggling around. You tug down his undies and take him into your mouth, as much as you can. It’s so hot and humid down here, you feel like you’re Indiana Jones in the rainforest sucking off a giant snake.

You shove a couple fingers up his nook while you suck him, moving them in and out rhythmically. He’s making frantic chittering noises, the kind you know means he’s about to spill soon. Damn, you must have gotten him really hot earlier when you were pretending to be your brother. You should probably… talk about that. But first things first, make Karkat come. You hum as his bulge thrashes around in your mouth, holding the base of it with your hand to make sure it doesn’t venture down your esophagus. Karkat whines, his legs shake around you, and he’s dripping wet. Your face is hella drenched and he hasn’t even come yet. 

“Fuck, Dirk, I’m gonna--” he manages, before his whole body tenses up and jizz starts shooting out of his no-no zone like water from a fire hose.

Oh, you are gonna give him SO much shit for that little name slip-up. You grin and slurp down as much of his happy sauce as you can, and let the rest of it run down your chin like juice from a peach. 

When he’s shivering and panting and finished, you crawl back up to your pillow and smack your lips happily. “Thanks for the dessert, babe.”

“You’re such a nookstain,” he groans, snuggling up against you.

“Yeah, stained by your nook. Wonk.” You kiss him softly on the side of his mouth. “Hey, so. Not to be a buzzkill, but… should we maybe talk about like, the stuff going on with you and my brother?”

Karkat immediately tenses up and moves away from you. “There’s no ‘stuff’ going on to talk about,” he says stiffly.

“Uh, you literally said his name just now while I was sucking you off, dude.” you say. 

“No, I didn’t! Fuck! Did I?” Karkat looks panicked and you feel kinda bad.

“It’s ok babe, I’m not like, jealous or anything, don’t worry about that. It’s actually super hot and I think you two might actually be good for each other in a weird way?” You take a breath. “Fuck, I don’t think there’s a non-awkward way to say this, so I’m just gonna come out and say it. I think you should bang my brother.”

Karkat opens his mouth.

“No, hear me out, okay?” You interrupt quickly. “You guys each think the other is a snack, and I personally have zero problem with you doin’ the do with my alt-universe dad-brother so there’s no issues there. There’s literally no reason not to do the thing. Ya feel? Okay, end of argument.” Hey, you think that was pretty convincing. Good job, Dave.

Even in the dim light leaking from your bathroom door, you can tell Karkat’s cheeks are dark red and his eyes are wide. “You are fucking delusional, Dave Strider, if you think I’m AT ALL interested in pailing with your idiotic brother! First of all I’m flushed for you, not him. Whatever verbal slip I may have just made was just a result of you fucking with my head today with that bullshit prank, it’s not an indication of any actual feelings or interest on my part, so get that out of your mind right the fuck now!! I know you get off on violating social conventions and crossing boundaries but not all of us are perverted sickos like that!”

“Sure, Karkat, whatever you say,” you hum. “I'd bet money that in a couple weeks you’ll be singin’ a different tune to the rhythm of Dirk’s clapping ass cheeks.”

Karkat flips you off with both hands and you kiss him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dubcon warning: dave tricks karkat into thinking he's dirk, then forces a kiss on him. karkat's into it but is also kind of upset and confused.


	4. every day is ass day

You normally do your exercises in your room, but it’s the middle of summer, and your window is tiny, and it’s sweltering hot. So today you’ve decided to run through your drills out in the backyard instead. You throw on a pair of shorts and your favorite tank top with a hat on it, grab your water bottle and head out back. 

Karkat’s out there in a lawn chair, with a big floppy hat covering his face, reading a romance novel and sipping iced tea like a damn housewife. It’s kind of fucking adorable. He ignores you, so you throw your water bottle on the ground and get started doing some stretches, limbering up your muscles and shit. Don’t want to tear anything. You honestly probably don’t need to be keeping yourself in great shape anymore, seeing as the apocalypse is kind of over, but the idea of not training makes your brain buzz in a not fun way, so you’ve just kept up the habit. 

The grass under your feet is warm from the sun overhead, but there’s a slight breeze that cools the sweat on your back. You start your familiar routine by stretching out your neck and shoulders, then move down to your core, then your arms and legs. You’re stretching out your quads when you notice Karkat watching you from over the top of his book. You make sure your face doesn’t react, but inwardly you’re smirking a bit. So he wants a show, huh? You can give him a show. It’s the least you can do for him to apologize for the weird shitstorm that you inadvertently started the other day by accidentally making him kiss you.

You start by doing some push-ups. You know your form is perfect, and you also know you can go for a really long fucking time. You do a hundred push-ups in a row before you decide to pretend you’re getting a little tired. You glance at Karkat to make sure he’s still watching. He definitely is. You pull off your shirt and toss it carelessly on the ground, then you lie down and start doing some crunches. Karkat’s mouth is very slightly open, his drink straw held loosely between his lips. You knock out a hundred crunches, and you’re panting a bit by the end. Then you stand up and start doing lunges across the lawn, back and forth. You happen to know these particular shorts hug your ass really nicely when you do lunges, because you used to make Hal videotape you doing your exercises. A guy’s gotta keep tabs on the attractiveness level of his own ass in all his different workout outfits. 

You keep exercising for an hour and a half, not as long as your usual workout but it’s fucking hot as balls outside, and you’re not wanting to dehydrate yourself. Also, see your earlier point about not needing to stay in perfect shape anymore. You sit down on a lawn chair next to Karkat’s and chug your water, letting some of it pour down your shirtless chest. To your confusion and curiosity, you hear a muffled chittering noise coming from Karkat’s throat. The sound cuts off quickly, and you look at him, cocking your head to indicate, “What the fuck?” His cheeks are bright red, and he locks wide eyes with you for several seconds. Then he suddenly stands up and runs inside without saying anything, not even bothering to grab his book or drink.

You’re honestly not sure what the hell just happened, but you’re guessing he made some kind of involuntary troll noise. Probably an embarrassing one, judging by his reaction. You make a mental note to ask Dave about it sometime, preferably when he’s got a mouthful of beverage that he can dramatically spit in your face. For the irony, of course.

~

You’re pacing around your bedroom, because you’re kind of freaking the fuck out right now. You just chittered at Dirk. Your boyfriend’s brother. Jesus Christ, what is wrong with you?? He just, he was doing his exercises in the backyard, and you were watching a little because, well. He’s attractive, okay? He looks nearly identical to Dave, you’ve been practically conditioned over the past three years to be attracted to someone who looks like how Dirk looks. 

Anyway, it probably wasn’t anything to do with him. You were just a little worked up from reading your stupid romance novel, you reallly have got to stop reading those in public if this type of shit is gonna keep happening. And then he sat right next to you and poured water all over himself, and you. Chittered. You want to fucking die. Thank fuck he doesn’t actually know what that means, but you do, and you plan on berating yourself for this moment over and over for the rest of your wretched life. 


	5. the best wingman-slash-boyfriend

You’re so mad at yourself, and you’re even more mad at Dave. Fucking. Dave!!

If he hadn’t gotten involved and blown this whole stupid you-kissing-Dirk-by-accident thing out of proportion, it would have been swept under the rug and forgotten in a few days. But he had to pull that stupid stunt the other day, and now all you can think about all day long is Dirk Strider, shirtless, pouring water all over his bare chest. FUCK.

Every time you cross paths with him in the kitchen or living room, you flush bright red and have to abscond because, no. Just no. It’s not happening, okay?

The worst part is, Dave’s stopped teasing you about it, because you told him how much it was genuinely upsetting you, and he’s actually a good boyfriend sometimes so he finally cut it out. But that just means these intrusive thoughts are all your own goddamn fault, not Dave’s, and you’re so fucking disappointed in yourself.

Part of it is because you’re embarrassed about how fucking easy you are. Like, you barely know Dirk. Okay, you kind of know him, you’ve lived with him for almost a year now, but you guys aren’t exactly close friends or anything. Anyway, you’re _definitely_ not close enough that you should be fucking chittering at him out of nowhere while he’s just minding his own business trying to stay fit. And Troll Jegus Christ is he ever fit. Shit-- NO! Stop it, Karkat, fuck!

The other problem is, as per fucking usual, your quadrants are a mess.

You and Dave have always been a bullshit smear of red-pale-and-sometimes-even-black, which you try to be okay with, but are still really fucking insecure about all the time because who does that? But you love Dave and you’ve mostly come to terms with the fact that your feelings for him can’t and won’t settle in one or even two quadrants. The thing is, though, you always kind of figured (hoped) that if you ever developed feelings for someone else, it could be different. Maybe you were only broken when it came to Dave, and one day you could still have a functional kismesissitude or moirallegiance.

Then, lo and fucking behold, Dirk Strider came into the picture and ruined all your hopes and dreams. 

As much as you’re loath to admit it, you’re definitely a little flushed for him. The disgusting display of mating sounds you made the other day certainly confirmed that beyond any doubt.

But--and you fucking hate this--you’re also pale as shit for the guy! He’s as wretchedly pitiable as Dave, maybe even more so. He clearly feels awkward and unhappy in most social situations, which you relate to more than you want to say, and when you see him hiding in the corner at one of Roxy and Jane’s big blowout parties, playing his Nintendo DS and avoiding eye contact with everyone, you just want to drag him into a closet and pile with him until he feels comfortable again.

And the way he watches Dave like he’s just hanging on his every word, not wanting to disappoint him--well, you relate to that, too. Maybe you’re a pale slut, or just weak for Striders, but you really want to take care of Dirk’s dumb ass.

As if all _that_ wasn’t enough, sometimes he’s just as cocky and arrogant as Dave was when you first met him, starting up arguments with you about the merits of Dave’s alt-self’s dumbass films, which are objectively the fucking WORST, and then you feel pitch for him too! Basically, you’re a fucking mess and you hate yourself, what else is new.

You go back and forth with yourself for a few days, trying to decide what to do. You barely avoid opening up a chat with your past and future selves--you promised Dave you’d cut that shit out, and you’d hate yourself even more if you let him down.

Finally after a week of torturing yourself and running out rooms red-faced when Dirk walks in, you decide to bite the ballistic ammunition cylinder and ask Dave for help. You wait until you’re both in bed for the night, and the lights are turned off. You don’t think you can stand to have this conversation while looking him in the face. Your bloodpusher is beating so fast you think you might be about to have an aneurysm. 

“Dave,” you whisper. 

“Whassup babe,” he mumbles sleepily.

“Can I, uh. Can I ask you something?” God, this is the literal worst. Someone needs to kill you right the fuck now.

“Sure, what is it?” He sounds a little more awake and possibly concerned, although it’s hard to tell with his monotone voice. 

“It’s nothing bad, just. Fuck. This is so embarrassing. I don’t even know how to bring this up.” You groan and cover your face with your hands. “It’s about. Your bro. You know. Like we talked about.”

“Yeah, I know man, I’m really sorry I kept saying that shit about you two, it was definitely over the line okay?” Dave sounds actually worried now, dammit. This is not what you wanted! “I get if you’re still mad at me, though. You’re like, entitled to have feelings and shit, you’re so fucking valid, bro, be as mad as you wanna be--”

“No, I’m not fucking mad!” you interrupt his apologetic mouth-diarrhea. “Well, I’m not mad at YOU. Just at myself. Because. I’ve been thinking that maybe. You might have been correct. About certain things. Regarding... what we talked about.” You seriously want to die. 

“Ohhhhhhhhhhhh ho ho,” Dave says gleefully. You can literally hear him smirking at you and you want to smack him but also pail him into the bed because there’s something seriously fucking wrong with you.

“Yeah, fuck off, you were right, I was wrong. So are you gonna help me, or what?” you snap. You are the most charming boyfriend, it is you.

“Of course I’ll help you get in my brother’s pants, dude. Just leave it to me, I’m the best wingman-slash-boyfriend you’ll ever have,” Dave says, kissing you on your burning cheek. “In fact, I already had kind of a plan in mind…”

He tells you his idea, and it sounds good to you. Like, really good. So good that you end up spending the next hour burying yourself bulge-deep in him and gasping his name, thinking about exactly what he has planned. You fall asleep feeling grateful to your sweet, ridiculous, obnoxious human boyfriend who, at the end of the day, just wants you to be happy.

~

Karkat’s been avoiding you for about a week now. You have an educated guess that it has to do with a) him accidentally kissing you, b) Dave dressing up as you and kissing _him_ , and c) him accidentally making a troll sex noise at you in the backyard the other day.

Not that it really bothers you that he’s avoiding you, it’s not like you guys hung out a ton before this all went down anyway. You’d been kind of getting to know the guy as your roommate and your brother’s boyfriend, and you like him, but you get the feeling he thinks you’re kind of a douche. He always looks at you with this sort of constipated look on his face that you don’t know how to interpret other than as dislike. But he’d be right, you are kind of a douche, so yeah. No cognitive dissonance there, at least.

Today you’re working on building a fighting robot that Sollux asked you to help him with. You’re sitting in your workshop with three fans pointed at you, blowing hot air in your face. It’s not really helping with the heat, but you’re pretending it is and trying not to sweat on your blueprints. Seriously, you might need to get a towel.

You’re chewing on your pen--a bad habit that has more than once led to the ink cartridge bursting open, staining your mouth and probably giving you ink poisoning--when Dave strolls in, sucking on a juicebox.

 _“What’s up, lil bro?”_ you sign. 

“Not much, lil bro,” he says, sitting down on a workbench. “Just thought I’d bug you and see what you’re workin’ on.”

 _“Building a fighting robot for Sollux,”_ you answer. _“I think he wants to use it to go kill Equius or something. Not sure.”_

“Cool, sounds like a fun, casual, and not batshit insane way to spend your free time.”

You smirk and nod in agreement.

“So, hey,” Dave says. He puts his juice down, so you know he’s being serious. “Uh, I wanted to apologize for the stunt I pulled with Karkat the other day. He made me aware that I was probably acting like a dickhole and I shouldn’t violate his and your boundaries by quote-unquote ‘cosplaying as your littermate and assaulting me with your oral cavity.’ So yeah, that’s my bad.”

 _“I wasn’t upset or anything,”_ you assure him. _“Honestly thought it was fuckin’ hilarious, although I’m not surprised to hear he wasn’t a huge fan of getting punk’d like that.”_

“Ok, cool.” Dave looks relieved. 

You hesitate for a moment, then go back to working on your blueprints, not sure what he wants you to do. You seriously admire Dave, and spending time with him is a fuckin’ dream come true, but you always feel so goddamn awkward talking to him. You feel vaguely uncomfortable talking to literally anyone, actually. Luckily, Dave picks up the conversational reigns as though he were born and raised to ride the horses of social interaction. That metaphor may have gotten away from you a bit, but. Horses. 

“Here’s a casual, totally unrelated question for you,” he says. “What do you think about Karkat? Like, in your opinion, what’s his cuteness level?”

 _“Eleven out of ten hats, bro, would totally accidentally kiss again,”_ you reply sarcastically. It just so happens to be the truth, too, but Dave doesn’t need to know that.

Dave sucks vigorously at his juice box. “See,” he says, after the box is empty and he’s done making that really obnoxious rattling noise through the straw, “I know you’re being insincere cause that’s like, our thing, but I actually genuinely would like to know if you’d be interested in the possibility of something happening between you two. Like, no homo, but I know he’s interested. And I’m more than okay with him acting on that interest, but I want to make sure you’re actually interested too, before I go ahead and assist you in engaging in your mutual interest.”

You snort quietly. _“Are you legit trying to set me up with your boyfriend, Dave?”_

“Yeah, I am,” Dave says.

Oh. You kind of just look at him. _“Uh. Why?”_

“Honestly? Karkat asked me to,” he admits.

Oh. What the fuck? Okay, you’re kind of panicking right now. Did you somehow destroy the relationship between Karkat and Dave, your bro, the guy you care most about in the entire fucking world? Fuck, is this some stupid heart power magic bullshit you did by accident? 

You try to steady your shaking hands while you sign, _“Are you two breaking up? Did I fuck something up? What did I do?”_

“Whoa, whoa,” Dave cuts you off, “you didn’t do anything, man, fuck. My bad, I probably could have phrased that in a less panic-inducing way. Uh. No, we’re not breaking up, nothing like that, still happily boyfriends. Just, he wants to be your boyfriend too, at the same time. Or, like, friends with benefits, or something. Basically he wants a slice of your booty but he’s too shy to tell you, so he’s sending me as a messenger boy. And the message is: Karkat likes you, do you like him back? Y/N please circle one.”

You hesitate. You know the answer is Y, absolutely fucking Y. But you’re maybe a little bit irrationally super paranoid that inserting yourself into Karkat and Dave’s relationship is going to ruin everything for them. Then again, you saying no to Karkat might ruin everything for them too. You really can’t fucking win, you guess, so you decide to go with what you actually want.

 _“Fuckin’ Y dude. He’s hot as shit, not that I need to tell you that,”_ you sign. 

Dave grins at you. “Fuck yes. Okay, so here’s my plan…”

You listen and nod as he explains to you, in detail, exactly what he wants you to do. Oh, this is gonna be fun.


	6. u up?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> light somno kink in this chapter

You’re a fucking awkward troll, okay? Honestly, it’s a miracle you and Dave ever got together in the first place, considering how hellishly incompetent you both are in terms of social interaction, particularly of the romantic variety. Despite the number of romance novels you read, you’re a total dumbass when it comes to actually doing romantic things with real life people.

Basically, due to Dave playing messenger boy, you know Dirk’s into you, and he knows you’re into him, and he knows you know he’s into you, and vice versa, but you’re both too chickenshit to do anything about it in a normal-person way.

That’s where Dave’s plan comes in.

His plan is to sneak Dirk into your bed while you’re sleeping, and “let your bulge wake him up for a little breakfast in bed.” (His words, not yours.) This way, he explained, you guys can get the sex out of the way, and it won’t be awkward anymore. You’re...not sure if it works like that, but you also really want to do it, so against your better judgement, you agreed.

For the past few days you’ve been vibrating out of your skin with apprehension at not knowing when it’s going to happen. You actually haven’t slept since you had that conversation, because you’re too nervous and excited about what will happen when you finally do fall asleep. You’re really fucking tired though, and when you slip under the covers, freshly showered (just in case), you wonder if tonight might be the night.

~

It’s 4:00 am and your gorgeous troll boyfriend is finally sound fuckin’ asleep, snoring away in your ear. You’ve been awake for a couple hours, dicking around on your phone, because Karkat’s not the only one who can lay claim to the insomniac title. You check Pesterchum and see that Dirk’s online. 

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] 

TG: yo

TG: u up

TG: man it feels weird to be booty calling my brother on my boyfriends behalf but i guess thats where were at now

TT: I’m up.

TT: Booty call, huh? Are we making this thing transpire?

TG: thats the plan

TG: hang on ill come over to your room just gotta extract myself without waking up sleepy mctrollface over here

Karkat’s got you clutched in his arms like he’s a cartoon pirate and you’re a precious chest of gold. You wiggle quietly, trying to free yourself without waking him up. He grumbles but loosens his hold a little, and you pull away carefully. You grab a spare pair of pajamas,and pad softly over to Dirk’s room.

He’s sitting rigidly at his computer, fully dressed with all his lights off, and he looks up at you with a tight smile.

“Hey, you ok?” you ask, leaning against the doorframe. 

_“Yeah, I’m good,”_ he signs at you in the glow from his computer screen.

“No offense, but you don’t look ‘good.’ You look like someone just told you all the horses in the world simultaneously kicked the bucket,” you say. 

He actually pales. _“Don’t even joke about that.”_

You snicker. “Okay but seriously, what’s up? You know you can actually talk to me, right? Like I get that we're a couple of emotionally constipated assholes and that’s part of our charm, but our broitude can withstand a little sappy nonsense every once in a while. Lay it on me dude, what’s wrong?”

He looks miserable. _“It’s just the usual bullshit. Kind of freaking out that I’m maybe ruining your life with this Karkat stuff. You guys were happy before I came into the picture, maybe I should just fuck off forever, you know? But I know that would fuck you guys up too, so like, is it better if I stay and continue to inflict my terrible personality on both of you? What’s the answer here? I can’t fucking win so what’s the lesser evil?”_

You roll your eyes. “Literally how many times have we had this conversation, dude. I actually like having you around, it’s not just a lesser fuckin’ evil. Karkat likes having you around too. Let us have some agency and choice here, you know? You don’t have to go around protecting people from your oh-so-terrible self 24/7. Karkat and I are fine, you’re fine, you just probably have some kind of anxiety disorder that makes it hard for you to see that shit. Man, I just slipped into full-on Rose mode there for a second, whoops. Point still stands, though, you’re freaking out for no reason, so calm down.”

He looks doubtful. _“What if I fuck up with him? And like, ruin your guys’ whole relationship?”_

“Do you have bad intentions toward him? Like do you want to hurt him?” you ask bluntly. 

_“Fuck, no.”_ He looks offended. _“I literally just said I didn’t want to--oh, okay, I see what you’re doing. Smartass.” He sighs. “Okay, I know I’m just being up my own asshole about this, I’ll try to stop it for five minutes so I can get Karkat up there instead.”_

“Haha, gross, dude. Aight, let’s do this thing.”

You hand him your pj’s and he changes into them, ditching his sunglasses on his desk. He messes around with his hair until it matches yours, then looks at you for approval. You spin your finger in a circle, indicating for him to twirl around, and he does. You give him a thumbs up, and he gives you a small smile back. 

~

You’re back on the meteor, in Dave’s block, and he’s on his knees in front of you sucking your bulge down his throat like it’s a glass of cold water and he’s been out all day under the Alternian sun. You’re panting and whining and making embarrassing fucking chittering noises as he shoves his hand up your nook and continues working your bulge. Your hands are in his hair and you’re so, so close to pailing.

Then you feel something poking you in the back, kind of uncomfortably. You suddenly become aware of another person making noises, someone who isn’t in the room with you, panting right in your ear, and the room dissolves into blackness. You wake up, your bulge hot and thrashing, and your nook dripping wet, clenching around nothing. 

Dave is rutting up against you in bed from behind. You roll over and climb on top of him. His eyes are still closed and he’s huffing slightly, and his hard human dick is tenting in his pajama pants, so you reach down and pull it out for him. You wrap your hand around it, but then stop when you feel something unfamiliar and hard, like a piece of metal, at the tip of his bulge. You look down at it, and there’s definitely a metal bar in there. It kind of looks like the piercings Dave has on his nipples, except you know from very extensive experience that he doesn’t have any on this particular area of his anatomy. That must mean the guy under you is--

“Dirk?” you whisper hoarsely, your voice scratchy from sleep. 

He opens his eyes and yep, those orange eyes do not belong to your boyfriend. He quirks up the corner of his mouth at you in a half-smile. It does things to your bloodpusher. Things you don’t want to think about about right now. You freeze for a second, panic overtaking you. Dirk is in your bed. Dirk is under you, hot and hard and breathing heavily and apparently wanting you as much as you want him. You can’t fuck this up, Karkat. 

You close your eyes, summon the small amount of courage you possess, and lean down to kiss him. He kisses you back immediately and eagerly. Like, super eagerly. As in, he sucks on your lip and moans like a fucking pornstar. You suddenly realize that aside from a couple times you’ve heard him laugh at SBAHJ, you haven’t really heard his voice before, and you really fucking want to hear more of it. You groan, heat flooding through your body, and lick into his mouth deeply, noticing that he tastes different than Dave. Actually, he tastes exactly like those orange flavored energy drinks he’s constantly chugging. It shouldn’t be as hot as it is, but here you are. 

You let your bulge wrap itself around his human dick, coiling tightly like it does around Dave’s. He whines, high-pitched, and immediately looks mortified. You growl and kiss him hard, wanting to erase the anxiety in his face, to make him feel nothing but the heat of your body on his. You grab his leg and push it up, bending over him and pressing your bodies close together.

“Is this ok?” you ask.

He nods frantically. You reach your other hand down and wrap it around both your bulges, jerking you off at the same time. Fuck, it feels amazing. Dirk is shaking underneath you, panting and moaning, god he's fucking _loud._ It sounds like he’s about to fall apart already. You were so close even before you woke up, you know you’re not going to last long either.

After just a few more moments, he tenses up and cries out, and you feel his whole body shudder underneath you, his come spurting onto your abdomen. You groan at the feeling and at the knowledge that you just made him do that. Fuck. Heat pools in your gut and after just a few more strokes you tip over into your own climax, slurry sheeting off your bulge in hot waves as you cry out embarrassingly loudly.

You come back to yourself after a few moments, let go of Dirk’s wrists and untangle your bulge from his. There’s genetic material fucking everywhere, thank god for sheet protectors. Dirk is staring, looking kind of astonished at the mess you two made. Well, mostly you. You pull a sheet over most of the mess and lie down next to him, both of you on your backs, staring up at the ceiling. You’re starting to feel awkward again, dammit.

You turn to Dirk and sign at him clumsily, using a couple of the words you’d taught yourself recently. _“You good?”_

He smiles at you, a real smile, and your bloodpusher flips over in your thoracic cavity. 

_“Good,”_ he signs back at you.

You breathe in relief, and flop your arm over your eyes. You reach your other hand down to grab his, and he tightens his fingers around yours. You try and fail to keep the smile off your face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the art in this chapter is by [@Koa_Doodles](https://twitter.com/koa_doodles/), colored by [that_one_Maid_of_Space](https://archiveofourown.org/users/that_one_Maid_of_Space)! it's not art of this fic/universe but it just fit so well and was so hot i wanted to include it anyway oTL
> 
> thank you to kelpieinfestedwaters for the fanart!! <33 [[link]](https://gallows--calibrator.tumblr.com/post/613709238002434048/this-was-def-my-fav-scene-in-guess-ill-die-by)


	7. cartoons for wigglers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hahaha oh no i made it angsty

After a few minutes, you get up to go shower, because holy shit, Karkat made a fuckin’ mess. Also goddamn, though, that was. Fuckin’ nice. Weirdly sweet?

A lot less angry and nasty than you’d originally thought it would be.

You wonder if he’s like that with Dave in bed, too, or if he was just being polite for you, going easy on you since it was your first time together. You kind of wish you could see him when he’s not being so nice. Not that it wasn’t good, shit, you came fast enough it was probably pretty fuckin’ obvious _exactly_ how good you thought it was. But you think it might have been fun to see him let loose a little more. See a little of that feisty personality in the bedroom as well.

You wonder if this would be a thing you guys might do again. Probably not, right?

Dave and Karkat are in a real relationship, but you and Karkat’s thing was probably just a one time fuck. Now that the sexual tension is out of the way, it won’t be a distraction for them and they can return to their normal shenanigans, with you going back to being just the roommate.

And you’re honestly fine with that, you don’t want or need a long-term romantic relationship, especially not with your little brother’s boyfriend. That shit’s just complicated.

You wash off the excessive amounts of pink spooge and then stay in the shower for a bit longer, indulging yourself in worrying again that you’ve fucked everything up for Dave and Karkat’s relationship. You think you’re entitled to a little shower freak-out. As a treat.

Then you tell yourself to shut the fuck up, and you dry off and go back into Dave and Karkat’s room. Karkat’s still there, still covered in his own mess, and you sigh. Gross. He’s fast fuckin’ asleep, too, and snoring a little. It’s pretty fuckin’ cute, you guess. Whatever. You briefly wonder what would happen if you just like, cuddled back up with him in bed. He’d probably push you away and call you a weirdo, right? Why are you just standing here staring at him?? God, you _are_ being a weirdo.

You head back to your room, passing by Dave who’s sitting in the living room. You wave at him and nod.

“Hey, how’d it go?” he waggles his eyebrows. “I couldn’t help but listen and it sounded like y’all were havin’ a pretty good time in there. Don’t think I’ve ever heard you make sounds that loud before.”

You fucking hate that you’re blushing right now. You flip him off but quirk the side of your mouth up in a smirk so he knows you’re not actually mad, and slip away into your room.

You won’t ever admit it, but you spend a not-insignificant amount of time over the next couple days thinking about Karkat. About how he held you down in bed, how he kissed you like you tasted delicious. How his bulge felt, coiled around your dick. The noises he drew out of you. How he _signed_ at you afterward. You hadn’t even known he _knew_ any ASL. He must have learned it for you, right? Why else would he know it?

Fucking, shut up, you tell yourself.

You jerk off at night thinking about him, reliving those moments in bed together, and spend your days avoiding him and Dave around the house, hiding away and working on your robots. You know you’re acting like a fucking weirdo, you can see it happening but you can’t stop yourself.

A couple days after That Night, you find yourself alone in the living room. It’s late at night and you can’t sleep, and you’re catching up on episodes of _My Little Pony._ You know you could probably come out and watch during the daytime, but Karkat’s always in the kitchen or living room with Dave, and you just don’t want to deal with the weird bullshit feelings you’re definitely not admitting to having about him.

You freeze as you hear the loud stomping that you know to be Karkat’s, walking down the hall and into the kitchen. God, everything he does is so fucking loud and obvious. He pours a glass of water, chugs it, smacks it down on the counter, and then comes into the living room.

He sees you on the couch and frowns. “Hey, what the fuck, why are you sitting here alone in the dark watching cartoons for wigglers? Is this the one about the diminutive hoofbeasts and all the friendship bullshit?”

You shrug and nod, keeping your poker face.

He sighs and, to your immense discomfort, sits down on the couch next to you. “Well, I can’t fucking sleep, so I guess cartoons for wigglers it is. I guess this one’s not the worst.”

From him that’s basically an admission that he really likes the show, and you smash down on the butterflies in your stomach. You’re just watching your favorite show ever with the guy you, maybe kind of sort of have a stupid fucking crush on. Who’s also your brother’s boyfriend. Who you’ve also fucked. Goddammit. You are _not_ calm right now.

You pass a couple minutes in silence, during which you’re basically vibrating right out of your skin. Then suddenly, you jump and look down into your lap. Karkat’s just put his hand on your thigh and is now rubbing circles with the pads of his fingers into your leg. You look at him, but he’s not even paying attention, just watching the show and casually… touching you?? What the fuck?

You don’t exactly want it to _stop_ or anything, pretty much the opposite, so you just. Pretend it’s not happening. What’s not happening, Dirk? Nothing, jeez, don’t be so fuckin’ nosy.

Your dick definitely didn’t get the memo about the “pretending” plan, though, because it’s swelling up right now, obvious and embarrassing in your thin pajama pants. Jesus Christ, the guy’s just _touching your leg_ and you’re getting hard, you easy fuck.

Then Karkat’s hand wanders over to your dick and squeezes it, and you gasp, a small, needy sound that makes you want to disappear into a hole in the ground.

Except that Karkat just looks at you with a half-smile, a question in his eyes: do you want more?

Fuck yes, you do, you nod.

He climbs into your lap and pulls off your shades, pulling your face toward him so he can kiss you. He smells and tastes really good, and his hips grind gently down on your lap, making your dick twitch and throb.

Wait, fuck-- your anxiety breaks through the haze of _more, want, yes, please_ that’s currently overwhelming you. What-- is this okay? Are you allowed to do this? Is _Dave_ okay with it?

You huff and push Karkat back, reaching for your notepad on the table. He lets out a sound of annoyance. Yeah, you’re annoyed with you too, what else is new. But you can’t just… let this happen, without figuring this shit out first, okay?

You think for a second and then write, _“Is this ok with Dave?”_

Karkat looks at you like you’re crazy. “Y-yes? Why wouldn’t it be? You and I have nothing to do with Dave.”

You frown in confusion. Nothing to do with-- _“What do you mean?? I thought the whole reason we hooked up the other day was so it would stop affecting you and Dave’s relationship. I mean don’t get me wrong, I’m happy to bone again if that’s what you guys need from me, but I just wanted to make sure it’s cool with you both first.”_

You watch as a parade of emotions passes over Karkat’s face. Confusion, annoyance, hurt. God dammit, he looks really upset. How are you still always fucking everything up? Your fingers itch for your sword, but you know Karkat wouldn’t be super down with decapitating you. He’s expressed several times that it’s not a healthy coping mechanism and you should really stop doing it to get out of awkward social situations, because it actually makes the situations a thousand times _more_ awkward, you fucking idiot.

He pushes a hand through his hair, making it stick up all messy and adorable. Dammit. You want to pull him back down and kiss him, and your throat kind of hurts for some reason.

“Okay, uh. Maybe we should have talked about this more,” Karkat says slowly. “I guess, I thought… well, Dave said-- Uh. Ok, I guess let’s establish a baseline here first. I’m sure you know how trolls have the ability to have romantic relationships with multiple people, right?”

You nod, and write, _“Yeah, I know all about quadrants and shit, HIC was the ruler of my planet growing up, remember?”_

“Right, okay. Well, I don’t know if Dave said anything to you about this, but I’m kind of an anomaly that way,” he says, his cheeks darkening. He looks at you almost defiantly, as if he thinks you’ll mock him. “I, uh. Don’t really do quadrants. At least not in the proper sense. Dave and I are kind of a disgusting smear of everything, and, apparently I feel the same kind of thing for you too. I’m a fucking joke, what else is new.” He laughs sharply.

Your heart is beating really fucking fast and you hope he can’t hear it. He’s still sitting on your lap, he’s so close to you. You want to reach out and hug him, but your arms feel like they’re made of lead.

“Anyway, this is really fucking embarrassing, but I guess I thought that maybe you had similar feelings for me too? But clearly, it’s incredibly obvious to me now that I was fucking *wrong* of course, which is okay, I mean it’s totally fine. It’s no big deal. I just, um.”

He climbs off your lap and stands up. “I just, am gonna go now. Sorry.” He looks away and sniffles. Fuck.

As he turns to walk away, you panic and grab his hand without thinking. He turns back to look at you, his eyes wet with pink tears and an angry look on his face, and you just sit there like a useless asshole, holding hands with him.

You hold up the finger of your free hand to indicate he should wait a minute, and then grab your notebook and pen. Fuck, what can you even say to salvage this situation??

Your head spins and you write as fast as you can. _“I think I might have been a complete fucking idiot, so first of all, I’m really sorry. I may have been under the assumption that I was an unwelcome intruder in your relationship with Dave? It didn’t actually occur to me that you might have,”_ your hand shakes slightly, _“feelings for me. I didn’t mean to hurt you at all, and I’m sorry.”_

“It’s ok, Dirk, it’s not your fault,” he argues, wiping his eyes angrily. “I’m just pissed off at myself for being such a hopeless asshole, and catching fucking feelings for anyone who looks at me twice. Doesn’t hurt that you’re actually a fucking decent guy sometimes, and you’re like, ridiculously pitiable. Fuck, I swear I’m not trying to guilt you into liking me or anything, I’m not _that_ fucking pathetic.”

He sniffles again, tugging his arm, trying to get out of your grip. “Can I please go now.”

Tell him you like him too. Fucking, _tell_ him, you useless piece of shit. You bite your lip and look down at your notebook.

 _“I--”_ you write, and then stop. You can’t do this.

It’s bad enough that you’re subjecting Dave and Karkat to your awful personality as a roommate and a friend. There’s no way it won’t be a complete fucking disaster for you to actually _date_ Karkat. You’re too fucked up, you’ll only hurt him, and make him and Dave hate you. You aren’t capable of being in a healthy relationship, and you know it. Stop fucking kidding yourself.

You let go of Karkat’s arm. You can’t look at him. You close your eyes as he walks away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im so sorry yall but i promise it gets better


	8. i really fucked up

Your name is Dave Strider and you have a problem. And that problem is, your boyfriend just came back to bed in the middle of the night, curled up against you, sobbing, and he won’t fucking tell you why.

On a hunch, you reach over to your nightstand and grab your phone to pester Dirk.

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] 

TG: hey

TG: so karkat just came to bed crying and wont say what happened

TG: am i off the mark in thinking this might have something to do with you

TT: …

TT: Fuck. I’m sorry.

TT: I think I really fucked up. I don’t know what to do.

Dirk admitting that he doesn’t know the answer to something? Jesus, he really _must_ have fucked up. You try to stay calm, knowing it won’t help anyone if all three of you are flipping your shit.

TG: im gonna need a little more information than that man

TG: give me all the dirty deets all your federal trade secrets

TG: seriously because if you dont im gonna have to kick your ass for making my boyfriend cry

TG: not that you telling me whats up is gonna stop me from kickin your ass if it turns out to be deserved but ill help you fix things first and then kick your ass you feel me

TT: I definitely deserve it, no arguments there. I’m doubtful that you can do anything to fix stuff, though.

TG: tell me anyway you horses ass

TT: Karkat told me he had feelings for me. Like, romantic feelings.

TG: ok and then what

TT: That’s about it.

TG: im sorry but what the fuck are you talking about

TG: you guys both like each other right

TG: i thought we established that like a full week ago

TG: theres no way karkat went in there and said he liked you and then just came back here in tears without anything else happening

TT: No, that’s the problem. I can’t… I can’t have feelings for him. I can’t fucking date your boyfriend, Dave. I’ll just fuck him up like I fucked up with Jake. Like I fucked you up in my alternate life. We shouldn’t have ever gotten involved like this, I’m an idiot for even thinking it would work, and now I’ve hurt him and I can’t fucking fix it.

Karkat shudders against you in a loud sob and you squeeze him tightly, fingers flying over your keyboard.

TG: ok first of all you are a fucking idiot but not for the reasons youre thinking

TG: you dont get to decide if you have feelings for somebody or not thats not how it works

TG: do you or dont you

TG: answer that and then well address the rest of the clusterfuck you just shat out all over my phone

TT: …

TT: Yes. Okay? Yes, obviously, I fucking like him, Jesus. How could I not?

TT: He’s stupidly hot and funny and like, actually really nice? He’s an excellent kisser. And he watches MLP with me.

TG: man you and that fucking show

TG: fuck not the point right now

TG: okay so you like him

TG: do you realize that by acting like you dont youre actually hurting him right now and thats a real fuckin problem with me

TT: Of course I realize that. And I really regret letting it get to this point, that was completely my mistake and I am trying to fucking own it, okay?

TT: But this is the best of two shitty options. The alternative would be to let this shit keep going, which would fuck him up even worse in the future. I’m incapable of having healthy relationships like a normal person, and I’m not going to pretend that’s not the case to indulge my stupid fucking feelings.

TG: i want you to know that i physically rolled my eyes just now

TG: because that was some of the smelliest shit ive ever smelled

TG: and karkats lactose intolerant so you know ive smelled some bad shits over the years

TG: uh

TG: getting sidetracked

TG: seriously though you have this idea that youre some kind of horrible demonic presence that brings nothing but pain and suffering upon anyone you touch

TG: and thats just not true

TG: i used to think maybe you were right

TG: or that at least maybe you knew more about yourself than i did so i should leave it alone

TG: but im starting to think youre just a big fat dummy

TG: because anyone can tell that you care about your friends just as much if not way fucking more than any so called normal person

TG: also you know you have like

TG: free will and shit right

TG: like youre worried about hurting karkat ok fine

TG: then dont fucking hurt him

TT: It’s not that simple.

TG: why the fuck not

TT: I don’t… trust myself. I’m not a good fucking person, Dave. My whole life has just been one fuck-up after another, hurting all my friends over and over. It’s like some kind of fucked up cosmic destiny that I hurt anyone I get close to.

TG: you didnt hurt them on purpose though jesus christ dude

TG: in fact from what it sounds like you actually saved all their lives

TG: and like yeah maybe shit went south with jake but you guys are chill now right

TG: he seems pretty preoccupied with other shit these days anyway i dont think hes sitting at home moping about your breakup

TG: youre not some kind of all powerful force of evil youre just a guy

TT: …

TG: …

TG: are you ok dude

TT: Hah. I don’t think so, no.

TG: hang on a sec

Karkat’s stopped crying and is just breathing wetly into your shirt.

“Hey, you okay?” you ask him softly.

He shrugs, sniffling.

“Are you good if I go check on Dirk for a minute?”

“Yeah, ok,” he says quietly.

You hate seeing him like this. Untangling yourself from him, you kiss him on the forehead and throw on a t-shirt and your shades. You walk to Dirk’s room but stop on the way there when you see he’s in the living room, on the couch. The TV’s on, but he’s clearly not watching it, because his face is buried in his hands, palms pressed against his eyes and sunglasses pushed up in his hair.

You sit down on the couch with him and awkwardly pat him on the back. He hiccups and his shoulders shake.

“Hey, shit dude, it’s gonna be okay,” you tell him.

Rubbing his eyes on his sleeve, he slides his shades back on.

 _“Sorry about this,”_ he signs. _“Hells of fuckin’ uncool.”_

“‘S’okay,” you say. “As long as you apologize to Karkat and straighten shit out with him.”

He nods, then gives you a pleading, nervous look. _“Do you really think… Are you sure it wouldn't be a huge mistake? To date him, I mean.”_

“Honestly? I have no fucking clue,” you tell him. “I just know that you guys both like each other, and clearly whatever's happening right _now_ is not working. You two figuring out a functional relationship together seems like a good idea to me. But what the fuck do I know, I'm just the time guy. You two are the ones with the supposed heart and soul powers, right?”

It’s a weak joke, but it gets a small smile out of him anyway.

“Okay, you ready to un-break up with our boyfriend?” you ask him.

He gives you a shaky thumbs up. He follows you back to your room and you indicate for him to enter. This shit’s between the two of them now. You go back to the couch and pass the fuck out to the dulcet tones of My Little Pony.


	9. apology

Dirk => Time to royally un-fuck this situation.

You walk hesitantly into Dave and Karkat’s room. The lights are off, but you can see Karkat lying on the bed from the dim light from the hallway. He’s curled up and shaking and you fucking _hate_ that you did this to him.

You sit down on the edge of the bed, and sign, _“Hey,”_ at him.

He sniffles and doesn’t respond. You indicate that you’re gonna turn the light on, and he doesn’t protest, so you go ahead. He squints at the light, but won’t look you in the face or otherwise react.

You tap your pen on your notebook nervously, not sure how to start. Fuck it, this whole thing is a mess anyway. You start writing, and everything kind of just pours out of you onto the page.

_“I’m sorry. I fucked up. I acted like I didn’t have feelings for you, which is a lie, because I definitely really do. I’m really really sorry. I want to date you, actually, but I got scared, because I always fuck these things up, and I didn’t want to end up hurting you or Dave. Seems like I fucked that up pretty hard though.”_

You pause and tilt the page to let him read it.

He sits up and frowns when he finishes reading.

“What the fuck do you mean, you didn’t want to hurt me or Dave?” he asks, his voice rough from crying.

You want to hug him, but you don’t know if you’re allowed to, so you clench your hands into fists to stop yourself from reaching out and grabbing him.

 _“It’s kind of complicated,”_ you write. _“Basically I somehow always manage to fuck up every relationship with everyone I care about. Dave thinks I’m not a bad person, but there’s a lot of evidence that suggests otherwise. I don’t know how much he’s told you about how I treated him in his universe, or what went down with Jake and Jane and Roxy in our session, but. Essentially, I’m bad news. So, if you want to dip out, I fully understand, neigh, even encourage you to get the fuck away from me before I can do any more damage. But. If you don’t.”_ You bite your lip, forcing yourself to keep writing. _“If you still want to date me, after all this, then. I would be honored.”_

You wish this stupid pen had an eraser. _I would be honored_ , who the fuck says that??

Karkat reads over what you wrote, and you turn away, you can’t handle watching this happen. You cringe, preparing yourself to be kicked out of this room and probably this house. It’s fine, you can find somewhere else to live. Maybe the Mayor will let you stay with him, he’s a chill guy.

You feel Karkat’s hand on your shoulder, and you turn to look at him.

“Hey,” he says softly. “You’re a fucking idiot.”

You reach for your notebook to write _”I know--”_ but your words don’t make it onto the page, because suddenly Karkat is kissing you, his hands holding your face tightly like you might try to run away.

You’re too shocked for a moment to do anything, but you recover quickly and kiss him back just as eagerly. Your lips part for him and let his tongue in, as he tastes you, claims you. Fuck. Your heart clenches and you sigh, breathing in the smell of _Karkat_ , feeling his warm chest press up against yours. He brings his hand up to your face, gently rubbing circles into your cheek with his thumb as he absolutely rails your mouth with his tongue. It’s the perfect mix of tender and sexy and it’s really motherfucking doing it for you.

He lies back against the pillows and you let him pull you down onto his chest, your body between his legs. You’re basically lying on top of him right now, with your crotches touching each other. It’s fucking great. You take your shades off and carefully fold them up on the nightstand, and lean in to press your mouth against his again.

You kiss him desperately, over and over, until your lips are wet and pink and swollen, and you’re hard and grinding against him for relief. You can feel some significant activity in his pants as well. Shimmying your way down his body, you trail kisses over his chest and stomach, all the way down until you reach his bulge. Your hands move to pull his waistband down, and you look to him for permission.

He exhales and nods, blushing and biting his lip. It’s real fuckin’ adorable.

You tug his pants down and free his crotch monster, which is positively dripping, the tip of it flicking and curling for something to grab onto or burrow inside of. Without hesitation, you suck it into your mouth, holding the base of it with one fist to keep it from flailing out and slapping you in the face. You take it as deep as you can, which is pretty fucking deep, you might add. You may not have had a whole lot of actual sex before, but you’ve practiced on toys enough to pretty much dull your gag reflex entirely. Which is good, because holy shit, Karkat’s dick thrashes around like it’s trying to squirm its way into your fucking stomach.

He lets out a series of chirps, moans, and chitters, and more fluid gushes from his bulge. You swallow it down as much as you can, but there’s so fucking much, some of it drips out of your mouth. God, he’s so fucking hot, you seriously want to do this for the rest of your life. And maybe… you can?

“D-Dirk,” he pants, looking at you with glazed eyes. You’re glad you took your shades off because you want him to get a perfect view of your face, sucking him off, being good for him just the way he deserves.

With your free hand, you reach around underneath his bulge and find his nook. You press two fingers gently inside, stretching him open a little, just enough to reach all the way up inside and stroke at his shame globes. When you find them, he shudders and chitters louder, calling out your name. You suck at his bulge, and rub at his globes, wanting to hear him completely overwhelmed and needy, wanting him to feel amazing.

You peek up at him, and he’s so fucking beautiful--eyes wrenched shut, mouth open wide and panting, claws digging into the bedsheets. His cheeks are flushed and sweaty, his mouth wrecked from kissing you, and his crotch and hips are covered in his pink fluids.

“What-- are you-- fucking-- looking at--?” he grunts, and you smile around his bulge, his juices spilling out of your mouth.

You sign at him with your free hand, _”You.”_

A small smile appears on his lips, then his mouth drops open in a moan as you dig your fingers deeper into his nook, fucking inside him. You alternate between rubbing at his globes and fucking your fingers deep inside him, and he howls, crying out your name, legs shaking. More and more genetic material is dripping from his nook and bulge, and you think he’s getting close.

You just keep doin’ what you’re doin’, and after a few more moments, he’s tensing and chittering and spilling into your mouth, your hands, all over your fucking face. It’s so ridiculously hot you can barely stand it. You suck happily at him, working him through the end of his orgasm. He tastes good, mostly salty but a little bit sweet, and you swallow down as much of him as you can.

After he’s done, his bulge retracts itself back inside him somewhere. It sucks itself out of your mouth like a spaghetti noodle in reverse. You take a few deep breaths, wiping your mouth and nose off. Fuck, that was good. You rub your belly in the universal sign for someone enjoying a tasty meal, and he rolls his eyes at you, shoving you gently.

You lie down next to him, wrapping your arm around his stomach. His chest is rising and falling with deep breaths still. _You_ did that, you made him come so hard that he’s still panting. You apologized for your fuck-up, and made him feel good instead. Maybe you’re not such a piece of shit after all. You bury your face in his arm and close your eyes, suddenly overwhelmingly tired. It’s been a long fuckin’ night.

“Hey,” he pushes you. “We seriously have to shower and change the sheets, or else Dave’s actually gonna kill us.”

You sigh loudly into his arm, signing at him without looking up, _”Dave can bite my gay ass.”_

“I don’t know what you just said, but it was probably rude,” Karkat guesses correctly.

You give him a thumbs up, and make a mental note to teach him the most important words in ASL first, such as “gay” and “ass.” And “dick,” he probably doesn’t know that one either. Then again, with Dave being his teacher, maybe he does after all.

You lift your head up, and see him gazing at you fondly. Your heart lurches, and you lean up to give him a messy kiss on the mouth. Rolling out of bed, you offer him a hand, and he takes it, pulling himself up and crashing into you. He’s so warm.

You hold his hand the whole way to the shower, and you can’t stop smiling.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you to my [homestuck writer discord server](https://discord.gg/tmtGNqe) friends for helping me live-jam this thing, it was really helpful to have people to bounce ideas off of when i got stuck! and thank you to everyone here for your lovely comments. i hope you enjoyed reading as much as i loved writing this fic. i'm sad to see it come to an end, but i might do more with this 'verse one day. for now, thanks for reading <3
> 
> i'm @alldavekat on [twitter](https://twitter.com/alldavekat) and [tumblr](https://alldavekat.tumblr.com)


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